Tears of pain

The last couple days have been horrible for me. Last night was the first time this year that I've cried because the pain has been so overwhelmingly painful. Two nights ago, I was having trouble sleeping because my brain wouldn't stop running a mile a minute and the pain made it even harder to fall asleep. Eventually, I did fall asleep and I was able to help out with creche at church on Sunday.

I felt fine during creche and was able to help out pretty well. Then we went to Westfield to pick up some things, including lunch to bring back to our friends' house. As we were leaving Westfield, I was in so much pain. I knew that I couldn't go to our friends' house for lunch, so I stayed at home when we went to drop off our stuff from Westfield. I turned my heat blanket on high and took a nap after finishing my lunch.

I started feeling a bit better in the afternoon, although I remained on the heat blanket on high all afternoon. Then it all got worse that evening. It seems to be that the immense pain no longer sneaks up gradually, but explodes like a bomb. I started whimpering in pain, so Rohan grabbed me some panadeine, which my rheumatologist prescribed for me for when my pain gets really bad. It eventually helped, but after about an hour or so of me crying while holding onto Rohan for emotional support. He said he's never seen it this bad and wanted to take me to the hospital, but I knew there's nothing they can do if my rheumatologist, who I've been seeing for a few years, can't even figure it out. Plus I don't think it's been as bad as it got last year, because there were times that the pain made me cry while I was at work, but Rohan obviously wasn't there during those times.

I didn't start having these sorts of pains until much later into winter last year, though. We're only about a month into autumn now! I can't imagine how I'm going to get through this year if the pain is already this bad. I don't have another appointment with my rheumatologist until 30 May, so hopefully it doesn't get too much worse. I've been hoping that the exercise, weight loss, and physio would help, but so far I'm not sure. Although I guess it could be that I'd be in even more pain if I wasn't doing them. I'm just at a loss of what to do other than keep continuing with my exercises and stay on the heat blanket when I'm not exercising. I think my rheumatologist will have me do another x-ray when I see her and base the next step off of that. I guess we'll be hoping for a bad enough x-ray to qualify. Again. Third time's the charm, right?

I can do a bridge again!

I've been trying to lose weight and get healthier for a while now but my back has started hurting and I was getting more worried about trying to get better before the winter, which is usually the worst part of the year for me. I decided that it was the perfect time to try my exercise bike while my back hurt, after all, that's the reason we went with buying a recumbent bike. To my surprise, it actually made my back feel better! I thought it was just that it wouldn't make it worse. A few days later, I watched an old episode of Catalyst that was about chronic pain and it explained how the body tells the brain that it's in pain and that exercise actually helps. I wasn't alone in thinking this! Although I haven't had an appointment with my rheumatologist since I started regularly exercising to see her thoughts on exercising relating to my specific chronic pain from sacroiliitis.

But this led to working out a workout plan for myself. I go on the bike every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and read a chapter of the Harry Potter series. (I started reading it again for the Pottermore book club, but I'm really far behind.) Each chapter takes about 30-45 minutes for me to read on my bike, so that's the perfect amount of time. On the other days, I do the exercises that the physiotherapist suggested last winter to help build up the muscles around the affected joints.

Since September, I've lost about 13kg, although I don't know the actual number because my first weight measurement was with shoes at the zip line in Singapore with a different scale and we didn't buy ours at home until a month later. But I try not to focus on the numbers with my weight or measurements.

It's the little things that make me happy and motivated. For example, my anxiety and depression have decreased, I can sit on top of the stepladder and my hips don't get stuck in the handle, I look down and my stomach doesn't stick out further than my chest, except when I've just eaten, I've bought new clothes as some of my clothes were too big, and I even fit in some of my old clothes that I haven't fit in for about two years. But yesterday I reached another goal that I had. I could finally do a bridge again. I don't know how long it's been since I've been able to do it, but it's been a goal that I've had in the back of my mind. I was so proud of myself that I could do it! And I did it a few times so I know it wasn't even just a fluke!